Quit Fighting

The past month has been very challenging for me. As an introvert, a busy schedule, a challenging kid, and stress at work were making me feel really overwhelmed and trapped. I was constantly reacting to everything D did with such anger and frustration. I reached out to one of my best friends to let her know I was struggling.  She kept responding with a bit of encouragement, but wasn’t responding like I wanted her to. I told her that I didn’t think she really understood how much I was struggling. She said, “I see you struggling, but I see Jesus saving.”   I have come back to those words over and over again this month.  There are so many moments when I wanted someone to see me, acknowledge how hard it is, and sit with me in my mess. But instead, it was those words that kept coming to my head.  Because they are truth.  And they are hope.

I was at Hose House on a Wednesday on one of the worst days. D had to sit next to me as a consequence, so her every movement was just making my blood boil. The worship leader started playing a song which is almost never played at Hose House. It was a song that God has used over and over and over again to get my attention over the past several years. While this song played, I heard very clearly “Quit fighting, my child, this is going to be so good.” Ok, he had my attention.

After the worship ended, the teacher that night said that he wasn’t going to give a talk, but instead he handed out a piece of paper with James 1: 19-27 and asked us to spend time reading it and seeing what stood out to us. This passage was directed right at me!  My interpretation that night was “Do not get angry at orphans.” God could not be clearer with what he was trying to teach me.

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. ²¹ Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

²⁶ Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. ²⁷ Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

After the lesson, there was a new woman who had come in from the street. She was visibly upset so a few of us went to pray for her. She shared that her sister had recently died in childbirth, and she wanted prayers for her nephews. She asked that we pray that they would be placed in good foster homes where they would be loved, because no one in her family was safe and healthy enough to care for them.  Wow, God, just wow.

Everything has changed since that night. I haven’t yelled at D once since then. I can’t say it hasn’t still been hard, because I still have felt trapped and overwhelmed. But I haven’t been angry at her.  We have still been in an epic war on keeping food out of her room, which I am still losing.  She even took scissors in her pocket to a foster care parents meeting, and yelled at the social worker that took them from her.  I am sure they are impressed with my stellar parenting.  But I can laugh and the ridiculousness, rather than be so full of anger.

My friend Kristan was giving a talk at church yesterday, and she shared about the difference between a thermostat and a thermometer. A thermostat sets the temperature and the surroundings adjust to it. A thermometer adjusts to the temperature of its surroundings. She went on to say that we should allow God to be our thermostat and set the temperature that we should rise to. We should not allow our surroundings and circumstances to set our temperature. We should always be the most consistently consistent people in any situation.  This really resonated with me because I had been allowing my circumstances to set my temperature and reactions, rather than God. I had been living with a victim mentality that my circumstances were so hard that I had the right to be overwhelmed and react negatively.  Instead, I should be living with an abundance mentality that my circumstances are hard, but my God is big enough to give me the strength to react with love and gentleness in any situation.

Last night as we were driving home D said out of the blue “We are actually starting to get along.” Agreed, kid, and its going to be so good.

 

 

Doing it Alone

A foster-mom friend of mine was having a bad day and texted me “I do not know how you do it alone?” Although rhetorical, I stopped to ponder that question.  How do I do it alone?   I think my biggest revelation is that I really don’t do it alone at all.

When I stop and look at my whole situation, it is really overwhelming. I have a very broken special-needs 11-year old that sent me into instant single-motherhood a couple months ago. I have no idea what I am doing.  I have no husband to do this with me.  It is my job to give her everything thing she needs and teach her so much, and I have the extra burden of trying to help undo some of the lies and hurts she has experienced.  And on top of that, I am trying to learn to just live with a human being in my space 24/7 without losing my mind.

So, I think how I survive is that I rarely sit down and look at the big problem in front of me. Yes, it is important to sit and assess it and realize the gravity of it, but once you have sat, its time to then turn your eyes to Jesus and begin to walk.  Instead of sitting at home “alone” stressing about how hard life is, I am trying to just live it day by day.  And I mess up a lot, but I have to shake it off and give myself grace.  Jesus lived a life very balanced between time with the father, time with close friends, and time out in the community.  If I didn’t try to model that, I would implode.

I spend a large chunk of my week just sitting with Jesus. I know that logically maybe this seems like a waste of time, but it is literally the fuel to everything. I had to get over the guilt of feeling like I had to be doing something, and just be with him.  After a long week, sometimes I go to Hose House on a Friday night and literally sit right in front of the band so no one will talk to me, and just cry.  But it is there that I get the strength I need to get up and do another week.  I need to take the time to pause and just let him sit beside me and whisper truths and dreams and promises to me and to give me a new hope.  And while I sit, I will see empathy and goodness in my kid when she comes and gives me a hug and some tissues. And in the background I hear her belt out her favorite worship songs.  When you hear your foster kid singing “You bring restoration” very loud and off-key, you won’t be able to not smile and cry either.

I have a couple best friends that I have complete access to that will listen to me freak out and lose it at moments. I tease them that I am their sanctification. But they listen without judgment, or at least they hold their judgment in well, and point me back to the Father, and tell me that it will be ok.  They also love my kid, and offer to take her when I need help.  These women allow me the freedom to not have it together and to be broken, but then quickly remind me of who I am and pick me back up to keep walking.  If I had to pretend to always have it together because I worried so much about what everyone thought, then I would never be able to really deal with what is going on.  They make me feel like I am never alone.  I have some groups of girlfriends that make me feel like I am normal, and they welcome the ridiculousness of my life with open arms, and just bring my kid into the fold with the rest of their little ones, even if mine is about 3 feet taller.  I also have met some great new foster-mom friends. On the outside they may seem like they are the perfect parents that have sacrificed so much. But secretly, they are sarcastic and funny and we laugh and laugh at the ridiculousness of some of the crazy dumb stuff our kids do.  It is such a comic relief, but also such help to know that other kids have the same struggles and such encouragement to keep going.

I also survive because I keep much of my mind on stuff outside of my own family and struggles.  I spend much of my energy helping with Hose House, a ministry in inner city Hamilton, so much of my thoughts each day are about people I have met there and how to help support them as they walk towards Jesus.  Doing ministry in the inner city is both interesting and amazing.  I often say often “You cannot make this crap up!”, but also say “How did I get so lucky that God lets this be my life?”  I am also helping to plan the Renewal Women’s Conference, so many of my thoughts are on ordering signage and t-shirts, connecting with vendors, and figuring out registration.  And while that might seem like an added stressor, it is actually a welcomed challenge and makes my life seem a bit more normal, because I get to have real conversations with adults about normal things.  I am also leading my first huddle at church and trying to learn what it means to disciple people, but really I am learning so much from them.  Keeping my eyes on the things God has invited me into and trying to help people draw closer to Jesus helps to keep my eyes off of my own stresses in my own life.

I know there is no magic formula, and everyone is different. I know many people might look at me and think I am crazy or judge the way I parent. And I so respect other moms because they do it all so well and better than I ever will. I might cook once per week, and it is usually not very good.  I might call teachers and tell them that we are no longer doing social studies homework because it makes me scream at my child, and who needs Mayan math anyway? My kid might be left to run wild with her friends while I try to navigate meetings. I might let her stand in the neighbors driveways and peer into their windows awkwardly just to get a break. She might beat up kids on the school bus, and I might laugh so I don’t cry.  But this same kid can make me laugh so hard at her sarcastic and well-played comments, gives the best hugs, loves animals with her whole heart, makes so many little kids feel loved and important, gives grace and forgiveness like only Jesus does, and has more joy and bravery than anyone I know. Most importantly, she is starting to know a God that loves her more than I will ever be able to imagine possible. And I’m learning so much about myself and Jesus in this crazy adventure.

Shrinkage

D went to respite over Christmas break with the kindest woman, who happened to be from Uganda. She seemed concerned over the state of D’s hair (my white-self thought it looked fine) and offered to take her to her braider and sit with her for the 4-5 hours it takes to braid.  My schedule was at capacity, so yes, I will take you up on this kind woman.  She offered to take D’s hair out and wash it also, but I said “no, no, I’ll take care of it. I don’t want to inconvenience you more than I already am.” One of the biggest regrets of my life.

So, I knew I needed to go buy her hair extensions so I ventured to the little Asian owed hair shop that my Nigerian friends pointed me to last time, but it was closed for the holidays. So I start googling and ended up at another Asian owned hair shop. I walked in and discovered it was owned by some friends from my old church.  They look at me very confused and ask why I was there?  To buy hair, clearly.  But little did I know, the adventure was just getting started.

I assumed that taking out these braids would take 30 minutes, an hour max. Wrong.  After an hour, only ¼ of her braids were out.  She started complaining and saying she wanted to go outside and play. The complaining continued so at about the half way point, I threw up my hands and said “fine, go out and play, but no hat for you. I’m sorry I am white and don’t know what I am doing, but I’ll stop trying and just be done.” She felt her hair, looked at me with wide eyes, and sat back down and told me she would stop whining. So 3 hours later, her braids were finally out.  Now it was time to wash it.  We had to go out that morning to buy a bathing suit so I could stick her in the tub.  So, she got suited up and I washed it. That I know how to do, I wash mine every day. But then the instructions the respite lady gave say to blow dry it as you comb it out.  Keeping in mind we are now 4 hours in with a very impatient 11 year old and a clueless white girl, so I tried for a few minutes and said “just put on a hat, the professionals can deal with it in the morning.”

So, the next morning we drove to the hair braider because I was supposed to drop her off at 7am. The braider opened her door in her nightgown, took off D’s hat and just looked at me.  What was about a 6inch length hair all over her head the day before is now a 2×2 little brillo pad.  I had no idea hair would do this!  The woman, who is from Ghana, just started yelling at me in a language I don’t understand and points and says “You! Open this up!”  She leaves to go clean her house and left me with compact hair mass. I started pulling at it apprehensively.  D was squirming and yelling in pain and I was yelling back “Why didn’t you tell me what would happen? I don’t know what I am doing. Don’t you know I am white?! Sit still!” D said, “I knew this would happen, but I forgot to tell you.” Thanks kid. I tried to convince D to let me shave it- that bald is a cool look, even offered to buy her a wig.  She just looked at me.  As soon as the respite lady got there, I ran out the door as fast as I could.

The respite lady texted me after the braiding was done and said “I’ll give you some tips for next time.” I said “can I just pay you?”.  She said, “no, I will teach you.” “If you get white foster kids, I’ll totally do their hair!” I was telling my woes to my friend Aubrey, who is another foster parent, but she is so informed on black hair but ended up with a foster son, instead of daughter.  She said “its called shrinkage.” Well, there you go.  I said I will always outsource this operation in the future, and she said “can I do it? I love taking out braids”.  Um, yes, yes you can.  Crazy fool.

I’m in over my head with so much I don’t know. But how good is the Father to bring people into my life that can stand next to me, sit with my kid for hours of braiding, take out, wash, and comb her hair.  But more importantly, how good is he to bring people into her life to show her Jesus and to truly love her well in the times I fall so short.  I have learned a lot over the past year about community, and living surrendered in it. I think community is one of God’s greatest gifts to us as we try to navigate the crazy adventures he puts us on.  I was so quick to say “no, I don’t want to inconvenience you, I don’t want to be a burden to you.”  But God showed me through this hair shrinkage disaster that I need to let go of that pride and accept the help he is so graciously giving me.

Preparing for Christmas

Christmas preparation when you have kids is so different! I feel like I need to make sure D gets to do all the fun things kids do around the holidays.  We have plans this weekend to see a Christmas play, see our friend Ella in the Nutcracker, and we need to make sure we go see Santa.  Because how will he figure out what to bring her if she doesn’t tell him? Though her biggest concern is how he will get down our chimney since we just have a gas fireplace.  I tried to show her the vent outside, but it didn’t seem to stop the questions, only added more concern.  D came downstairs one morning with a gift for her friend at school, but I was concerned because we hadn’t been shopping so I suggested that maybe she could use some of her allowance money to get a gift for her this weekend.  I’m so glad I did, because when I looked into the prospective gift later, this is what I saw. 

I am also trying to prepare my heart this year. I have literally had the exact same Christmas for the past 36 years. On Christmas Eve, I help my mom cook and her family comes over to their house. Then we go to a Christmas Eve candlelight service at their church. We wake up Christmas morning as a family of 3 and open presents together and eat cake for breakfast. Then we go to my aunt and uncle’s for the rest of the day for dinner and games with my dad’s family.  Every single year has been exactly the same, and I love the consistency.  Then this year happened…

This year, if the weather cooperates, I will drive to my parents’ house Christmas Eve morning with D and have dinner with my mom’s family, and then get right back in the car to drive back to Cincinnati. See, my aunt and uncle who hosted Christmas every year are the ones who died in a car accident this summer, and no one can even think about trying to have Christmas without them.  So, my dad’s whole family is spending Christmas in Florida. My parents and I bought plane tickets to fly out 6am Christmas morning.  I was excited  for D to see her first beach and take her first flight.  However, in foster care in Ohio, the birth family gets to approve out of state travel, and of course her family said no.  They won’t get to see her, but maybe it’s the small amount of control they have right now.  I tried to appeal, but it is not high on her caseworker’s radar, so it is what it is.  So, I’ll be spending Christmas in Ohio, without my family, and I’ll meet them a few days later without D.  There are no right answers in these circumstances, and I tried to make the best decision I could.

Christmas will be good this year though; I am choosing to believe that. I’ll force my Hose House family to have a candlelight service on the 23^rd. I’ll still get to celebrate Christmas Eve with my Mom’s family; I’ll just get 10 fun hours of belting out Christmas songs in the car to do it.  I will get to wake up Christmas morning and watch D’s eyes light up when she sees what Santa brought her.  And then I will get to spend Christmas with friends that have become much more like family.  Our missional community at Anthem partnered with Helping Hamilton Ministries to make Christmas presents to give to the homeless in Hamilton, so we will get to join some our best friends to deliver them on Christmas Day.  Then another dear friend and her family invited us to spend Christmas with them.  It won’t be the Christmas I have always known, but maybe in a weird way, it will actually be better. I am choosing to believe that God redeems all stories.

I was studying Mary as she prepared for Christmas. We see in Luke 1:26-56 that she goes from a frightened  girl that says to the angel “how will this be?” to a girl that is rejoicing and saying to Elizabeth “generations will call me blessed.”  I couldn’t help but notice the blank space on the paper between the sections.  I feel like Luke shares a very filtered version of Mary’s story. I think Mary probably asked God some really hard questions like “why me?,” “I’m not equipped for this,” “everyone will think I am crazy and won’t be supportive,”  “I’m not ready to be a parent,” “I don’t feel worthy for this.”  I think Mary probably was really scared, and so she went to Elizabeth’s house because it was her safe place.  It was the place where she could celebrate what God was doing in and through her with someone who would understand. It was also the place where she could share her fears without being judged.   I felt like as I studied this, God said that he would give me as much blank space as I needed to throw all the tantrums and have all the doubt I wanted before I aligned myself to his plans. He would add extra blank pages if I needed them.  He would also continue to give me all the safe places I needed to run and find refuge to celebrate what he was doing and also process all my fear and doubt.  See, I really relate to Mary because we are both preparing for our first Christmas as a mom.

 

Birth of Jesus Foretold

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, ⁷ to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin’s name was Mary. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be. And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God.  And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David,  and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” And Mary said to the angel, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?” And the angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy—the Son of God.  And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.”  And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Mary Visits Elizabeth

In those days Mary arose and went with haste into the hill country, to a town in Judah, and she entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth.  And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit, and she exclaimed with a loud cry, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb!  And why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me?  For behold, when the sound of your greeting came to my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy.  And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.”

Mary’s Song of Praise: The Magnificat

 And Mary said,“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,  for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;   for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.  And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation. He has shown strength with his arm;  he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts; he has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate; e has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty. He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy, as he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

 And Mary remained with her about three months and returned to her home.

 

 

 

 

Dads

My kid so desperately wants a dad. It is truly heartbreaking to me. I can show her love, give her a safe place to live, play with her, invest in her education, and all kinds of things good parents do.  But the reality is, I cannot give her a dad.  I wish she knew I wouldn’t have written our story quite this way either, but I am not the writer of the story.  I’m dreading Father’s Day, her Daddy Daughter dance, and all those times when it will be all that is on her little heart.

D stayed one night with a family that had a mom and a dad before she came to stay with me, and every day she mentions them and asks if she can go back. If I am honest, it hurts my feelings a little. I have come to realize though, it is only because there was a dad in that house, and she saw that possibility for a brief moment and is clinging to it.

She talked to her brother and he talked about his foster “mom and dad.” She said “Hold up, how did you get a dad?” I could just see her face fall with the realization that he now has something she so desperately wants.

I can give her really healthy dads in our community that show her so much love and attention. I am truly humbled and grateful for these men. Friday night at Hose House, she was upset and crying at the end of the night.  We talked on the way home and she said she is sad because Big Daddy (everyone gets a nickname with her) loves his son more than he loves her.  Oh wow.  I told her that is actually true.  That daddies love their children so much, and although Big Daddy loves her, he does not love her as much as he loves his own son.  And I am so sorry. I am sorry she doesn’t have a dad to love her that way.  She proceeded to tell me she does have a dad, she just doesn’t know him.  So true D, and I am so sorry that is your truth.

I told her she does have a Father that loves her more than any father on earth ever could. He can be everything that she ever dreamed of in a dad.  He sees her and knows her name.  He loves her just as much as all the other kids at Hose House, maybe even a little more.  When she is sad and feels like something is missing, to go to Him.  He wants to just hold her and show her what a beloved daughter she is.

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,  and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8: 14-17

iPads and Floors

I have been dragging D to so much church. She loves it though, and much prefers to be on the go rather than sitting in our boring house. She has friends there, people to love on her, and this amazing sense of family. I also think its partially because I don’t often let her watch tv or play on the iPad at home.  I know, I’m a horrible mom.  But, I would rather she go out and play, read, do homework, play with Finn, or do something constructive rather than watch tv.  And I need to save the joys of the iPad for when I drag her out to boring meetings so I can keep her entertained.  Ok, it might be slightly manipulative, but whatever works.

We were at Hose House Friday night and she was having a great time playing with her friends. She was also carrying around the iPad everywhere with her. Towards the end of the night, another kid brings me my shattered iPad saying that D dropped it.  It was an older iPad and if you know me, I don’t actually care that much about stuff like that, but I knew there was a lesson here.  A lesson about honesty, accountability, and taking care of things well.  My friend Crysta tried to coach me on parenting and give me some encouragement. So, I got in the car and asked D, “Do you have anything you want to tell me?” “No.”  “Do you have anything you want to apologize for?” “No.” “Do you think that if you break something of someone’s, even by accident, you should apologize?” “Yes.” “Do you have anything you want to apologize for?” “No.”  Hmmm.  I said, “If you decide you have something to apologize for, then come tell me.” We finished the drive home without talking and went to bed in silence.  Not because I was mad, but because I had no idea of my next move!  This parenting stuff is way hard! And kids really are dumb sometimes.

After she went to bed that night, I wrestled with what to do. I can’t just let this go, though there is a natural punishment of no iPad.  Sadly, that is really more of a punishment for me!  I thought and thought, texted Crysta some more, and then just told Jesus he better figure this out.

The next morning, I slept in late because I just didn’t want to deal. And I have also taught her that when she wakes up on Saturday mornings, she should go make her own bowl of cereal and find something to do.  I call that winning at parenting.  When I finally saw her I said “Do you have anything you want to tell me?”  “Yes, I am sorry I broke the iPad.”   Oh thank goodness, because I still didn’t have a next move.

Seconds later, I get a text from my friend, Daniella, asking me to call her because she thought God gave her a dream for me and D last night. I know that might sound weird, but God gives her the craziest dreams that tend to actually become reality or have a lot of wisdom. I nervously called her and she shared this dream. 

She saw me laying a wood floor in my house. But, I had to actually create the interlocking grooves in the wood and try to fit the pieces together.  It was taking me so long, and I really didn’t know what I was doing.  As hard as I tried to lay this floor, I just couldn’t fit the pieces together.  Then a carpenter showed up to help me.  He easily and quickly cut the grooves, and was able to easily fit all the pieces in place.

Well played, Jesus. Well played.

I have a kid…

I took my first foster care placement last weekend- an 11 year old girl. It has been a big week for both of us and I have learned so much about her, about myself, and about God.  It’s been an adventure learning about the child welfare system, struggling to get enrolled in school, and just trying to figure out how to feed another human being.  But it has honestly been good and far better than I imagined.

I have learned so much about D this week. First, I learned that she might be one of the bravest people I have ever met. She was removed from her home, lost her family, friends and everyone she knew and was transplanted into a new life.  And she has done it all with such grace.  She is excited about her new room, her new friends, and looking forward to her new school.  I struggle with one small change in my life, and she just faces all these huge changes with amazing courage.  I also learned that D is so sweet.  She will run to everyone with the biggest hug, so excited to see them again.  She makes both Bre and I cards almost every day and gives Bre gifts any chance she can (Bre is her favorite- I bore her!).  She is creative- she loves to draw, sing, and do crafts.  She is so inclusive- she is convinced Ray Charles is her boyfriend and she says it doesn’t bother her that he is blind.  She rides my bike a million times better than I do. She is also super easy going and easy to compromise.  For example on our drive this morning she said she used to live by a river. I said “yes, the Ohio River.” She said “Actually, it’s the Kentucky River.” I said “Actually, it’s the Ohio River.” She said “Actually, it can be called either.” Ok, you win.

I have learned a lot about myself as well. I used to judge people whose kids ate poorly, but D has honestly eaten more kid’s meals in the car than at the kitchen table. Oops.  We have also gone to church about 20 times in the last week (barely exaggerating), and I might now be the mom that gives her kid the tablet to be entertained.  Again, oops. On a more positive note, I’ve learned that I can advocate. That I can be the person that fights to get her kid in school, and fights to get her the services she needs. I have learned I have the most amazing community and I am not even the tiniest bit alone in this.  People have really stepped up to love this kid, especially the kids her age. I didn’t realize how kind and grown up the kids in my life were until I got to see them welcoming a kid that was different than them without even missing a beat.  D said yesterday that she never really had friends at her old school, but she already has friends here. I love that.  This is because the kids I know see her as Jesus sees her. I think her and one of her friends may or may not have been farting on each other yesterday, but hey, its family and that’s what family does. Right? Ok, maybe I’ll work on that one.

I have learned a lot about God this week. I have learned that he is so much bigger than I ever imagined.  After a couple weeks of really struggling with God’s purposes and plans for me in foster care, he really outdid himself with this first placement.  God told me he wasn’t asking me to be a martyr and he wasn’t asking me to give up everything.  Instead, he gave me a kid that can really benefit from the crazy life I lead.  D gladly tags along with me everywhere I need to go, and genuinely looks forward to getting to play with her new friends.  I was even able to meet with a web designer at Starbucks for an hour and she drank her hot chocolate and colored at the next table completely content.  I think the sweetest thing though is that D is starting to sing along to the worship songs.  She started belting out the lyrics to Good Good Father the other day and I realized that song is seriously overplayed if she has learned it already!

 

We had a sweet moment this week. D came home from daycare with a tooth in a ziplock.  I told her to make sure she puts it under her pillow so the Tooth Fairy can come. I also told her that she should leave the tooth in the ziplock because the Tooth Fairy is very sanitary.  So first, Bre and I had to google “do 11 year olds still lose teeth?”  Then we googled “what is the going rate of the tooth fairy?” After D went to sleep, we tried to sneak into her room, but that girl sleeps entirely on top of her pillow.  We were rolling on the floor laughing trying to complete this covert operation.  It just made me laugh because it was a sweet picture of family.  No, I didn’t expect my house to consist of me, a 20 year old, and an 11 year old.  But family doesn’t always look like we imagined.

I know D and I have a tough road to climb together. She is very very behind in school. She has a lot of trauma that she hasn’t even begun to process.  But, I am not stressed about it at all.  I totally trust God to provide the people and resources and strength that we need when we need it.  I said to a friend the other day- I almost feel guilty I am not stressed out.  She said “I think this is what they call peace that surpasses all understanding.”

 

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.  Phillipians 4:4-9

 

 

 

Waiting

I’m currently in a season of waiting. If you ever thought to yourself “I really need to work on going with the flow,” you should try foster care. Oh my word.  It’s a crazy journey- and it hasn’t even begun.  I have been waiting for my first placement for a couple weeks, and God has done more in my heart and mind in these last few weeks than I could have imagined.  Yes, I bought extra toothbrushes, pajamas and diapers of every size.  But, I never imagined that the greatest preparation would be in me.

I have gotten some calls about potentially placing specific kids in my home. The first potential placement was two small children and I learned I am not cut out for that! The second one was only one toddler and I said yes, and the county chose my home.  Unfortunately, I had just driven 4 hours for a work trip, and had to turn right around and drive 4 hours home.  I rushed to buy a car seat and other necessities, then the county never brought the kid.   I found out the next day that she was placed with a relative (which is the best situation for the kid and I am grateful) but they didn’t let us know.  I was then asked to consider a 14 year old, and had a whole new level of freaking out, but then she didn’t end up needing a home.  Then I said yes to a 7 and 9 year old, but then 2 minutes after they said yes to placing them with me, they found a relative.  Thankfully by this point, I didn’t even bother to change out of my pajamas until I was certain they were on their way. I am learning.

Do you every have that paranoid feeling that the pastor is talking about you during the sermon? Well, that happened to me this past Sunday, and I don’t think it was paranoia since the pastor actually said afterwards “I’m so sorry I talked about you, it just came out.” But I’ll own it. She shared that I had come so far, but had some setbacks these last couple week that really derailed me. But that didn’t scare her, what scared her was that I said I wasn’t feeling broken a few weeks ago.  See, the Lord does so much work in our hearts when we are at the end of ourselves and desperate for him.  She’s so right.

I have been learning these past couple weeks that I need the Lord’s voice to be the loudest, even if he isn’t the most logical. Really, is he ever that logical? I felt like when I sit with him, I would feel such peace and strength, and then the next day, a well-meaning person would say something and just set me spinning.  This is because my identity in this isn’t rooted in Jesus, but rather it is rooted in the approval of people.  People are wise and see logic and say “You cannot do your life with a little one,” “An older kid will be too hard, you need a little one” or “You are just too broken to do this right now at all.”  Now before you brush them off, please know the people that said those things know me really well and love me very much.  So, when they say these things, I believe them.  And that is a part of why I have had so many setbacks these past couple weeks.

I have been freaking out worrying about making sure I get “exactly the right kid” as I do want to follow God’s will in this. But a wise friend said the purpose is more important than the plan.  The purpose is caring for orphans.  The exact details are trivial.  I heard her but it wasn’t until the next day when I was really freaking out (about the 14 year old, and rightfully so!) that I heard Jesus say “I don’t want you to be a martyr. I was only asking you to do this to align your heart with orphans who need a parent.  Say yes to whoever you want and no to whoever you want.  I can make anyone work, I actually don’t have a specific child picked out.”  Wow, such freedom in that.  That changed everything.

 

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” Proverbs 19:21

So, I am spending my time waiting trying to get my identity rooted in the right place, loving the people already in my life and home, and just enjoying spending time “practicing” with other people’s kids.

Apple Picking with the cutest two year old ever.  When he saw Finn he said “I like your cat!”

Ella not wanting to stick her hand into the gross pumpkin! Love borrowing this kid!

Bre showing us all up with her pumpkin skills.

My First Respite

I just did my very first foster care respite this weekend, and it was something. It was fun, and incredibly hard, but mostly enlightening. I realized I have no idea what I am doing and I realized I don’t want more than one small child. So, let me give you the run-down of the weekend.

A very full of life 3 year old and his 1 year old baby sister arrived Friday evening. They were adorable kids, but then C (the 3 year old) came in like a tornado, a cute tornado, but a tornado.  He looked at Finn and kicked him.  Poor Finn’s eyes were big, I mean they are always big, but he was giving me that “you have got to be kidding me” look.

I tried to put them in the car, but have you ever tried to get a baby in a rear facing car seat in a Mini Cooper? Well, if you haven’t, don’t.  It’s a feat of adult acrobatics and baby limbo.  But, I got them strapped in eventually and we headed to Hose House. Unfortunately when we arrived, poor Daniella was trying to pray so I tried to keep them quiet, but completely failed. I ended up handing off baby A and let C jump in puddles in an alley.  So, maybe taking a kid to a rough part of town and letting him jump in puddles in a dark alley isn’t on the highly recommended children’s activities list.  But he didn’t die.

I took them home and straight to a bath and then tried to put them to bed. C said about 200 times “I don’t like going to bed” and 200 times I responded “We all have to do things we don’t like.”  Eventually we compromised with a nightlight and sitting on their floor while he fell asleep.  I snuck out to my room once C was asleep because baby A was giving me the stare down the whole time with a look that said “get out of my room you creeper.”  At 2 am, I was awoken from a deep sleep by C who said “I woke up and you weren’t there so you need to come back to my room.”  So I grabbed Finn (because if you put him on the ground he will pee) and we both went back to the kids room.  This time Baby A is outright screaming, so I picked her up and she fell asleep but I couldn’t manage to get her gently back in her crib with Finn in my hands so I put him down.  Of course, he ran off to pee, and I ended up waking her up laying her down anyway. I sat back on the floor in shame.  Finally the kids fell asleep and I crawled out and spent the next 30 minutes crawling all over my house looking for Finn’s pee.

Saturday morning I had 4 hours of meetings starting at 8am. They were a nightmare.  For the first one, I tried to keep C entertained and tried to keep baby A from tumbling down the stairs or destroying my friends beautiful new house while trying to have intelligent conversation.  The second meeting was bigger and more formal, so I begged my roommate Bre to watch them for those two hours.  She did a great job of letting me focus on the meeting, but I came down to her looking so defeated with her head in her hands, the room was a disaster and the kids were screaming.  Poor Bre never came home the rest of the weekend.

Finn 30 seconds after the kids left Sunday

 

Saturday afternoon I took them to Oktoberfest (not the big one, but a smaller festival- I am dumb, but not that dumb.) I love this Oktoberfest, but it was too crowded to try to maneuver a stroller.  One blessing though was that one guy who met us there was well versed in 3-year-old Superhero talk and just took over and C had a blast.  Baby A pretty much hated me the entire time, but at least C had fun shooting strangers with his projectile toys.

Sunday morning C woke up before baby A, so I put him in front of the tv and said “do you think you could sit here for just 5 minutes while I go take a shower?” He nodded and settled down for some cartoons. I raced upstairs for the fastest shower of my life, and not 2 minutes after I got into the shower he ran in. I of course have a big clear shower door so I did that awkward try-to cover-your-nakedness pose and yelled “get out!”  He looked sad and left, so of course I felt like a jerk. I came down and apologized but explained I liked privacy and asked him “what was the important thing you needed to tell me?”  “You were taking too long.”

I tried to get them ready for church, and at one point baby A came toddling to me with Finn’s poop in her hands. So, I scrubbed her hands well and hung my head in shame. C was helpful and cooperative the rest of the morning so we got to church a few minutes early.  He asked “why are we just sitting here?” I explained that he was such a good boy this morning that we were early so we were going to sit in the car a few minutes.  He asked “If I am bad, can we get out?”

There was one incredible moment in the weekend that put it all into perspective. We were driving home from Oktoberfest and I had on Christian Radio.  C asked me “Who is God?” I said “Well, God is someone who loves you very much.” He pondered this for a minute and said “Yes, God loves me very much but that means he loves YOU very much too.”   Wow.  In that moment it all hit me. Yes, God loves these little children so deeply, but he sees me and loves me too.  He didn’t ask me to do foster care because it was all about the kids but he wants to do something in me also.  He sees me and how I am struggling and he loves me in it. It is going to be ok.

 

35 was something…

I recently had my 36^th birthday, and I can’t help but reflect on 35.  It was a doozy.  35 was a year of some of my highest highs and lowest lows, and I am a totally different person today than I was a year ago.  I feel like years 25-34 went by without a whole lot of change and one year ran into another,  but 35 was different.  I can’t say that I would want to repeat it, but I am thankful for it. I thought I would take this post to share with you some of the crazy ways God has worked this past year.

My personality is one to make goals and lists, and figure out the plan and steps to achieve those goals. Yes, I am an engineer. I also like to play it safe and avoid change at all costs. Again, engineer. But this year, I just learned to surrender. This meant I quit trying so hard in my own strength and let God tell me the next small step, and then the next and the next.  It meant actually submitting to people that could help pull me up.  It meant taking some big leaps but trusting I wouldn’t fall on my face, or if I did, it would still be ok.

Friends have been some of the biggest changes of the year. Yes, many old friends stayed constant, but most of the “do life together” friends have changed.  This was probably the hardest change of the year, but I feel like today I am surrounded by the people that push me to be better.  While I still miss the old friends, I would not give up the new to have the old again.  My new friends are absolutely crazy and dream big dreams and drag me along, and I think I repeat almost daily “you cannot make this crap up.”  But they are more family than they are friends, so looks like I am stuck with them.

My family has also changed drastically this year. There will be 3 less people at Thanksgiving this year than last year.  I feel like that’s just too much loss for one year.  My grandmother died last December and my aunt and uncle died in August.  But I do hope that my family grows closer somehow because of it all.

Housing has been another big change. I was actually “homeless” for about 4 months last fall.  Thanks to the kindness of friends, I always had a place to sleep.  I felt like God said “pack your bags and give your house away.” I thought it was going to be this huge unselfish act where I was this martyr, but actually God was just trying to give me family and a safe place to land for a hard season. I was the one that gained everything those 4 months. I also got to live most of the time with the 3 cutest kids ever- who prayed for Miss Sarah Gladding and Finn every night, even after we moved out. It was also a great way for everyone (and myself) around me to realize how crazy I actually was! In hindsight, it was my first small yes of the year that started momentum to change everything. Shortly after I was back in my condo, I felt  God saying to move into a bigger house where he had bigger dreams for me.  So, I moved in June from my maintenance free, worry free condo into a house that consumes all of my time and money! Ahh! Homeownership should really come with warnings. (Side note- the trench I mentioned in the last post created a new pond on community property, so I got an angry call from my HOA. Apparently my house is on a spring. Ahh!) Also- why would anyone want 4 bathrooms? That’s 4 toilets to clean. That’s like 2 hours of my week cleaning toilets! But, God will figure this out.  I also have a great roommate right now, and doing life with her makes this home ownership thing better.  She does the grocery shopping and takes out the garbage and bakes, and then pays me? I feel like I should pay her.

I also found a great new church this year that is perfect for me. It almost felt like going home. I mourned the loss of an amazing church I left last fall, but now there is a brand new church plant, Anthem House Church, that believes exactly what I believe about living life on mission and just being the church. It is also fun to be part of something from the beginning because you realize your pastors have no idea what they are doing, but they are trying to follow Jesus so you know it will be good. Hose House has also transformed this year in my life. It went from being a project in my eyes, to being my quiet safe place. Yes, I see the irony that my quiet safe place is on the loudest most dangerous street in the city. But, it has been on that disgustingly dirty floor where God has been most present this year. It has been on the street in front of that place where I have received the most undeserved grace, and have seen others receive the same.. 

On my birthday last year, I felt alone without much hope for the future. But this year I am just weeks away from my first foster care placement, and life feels full of hope. I know it will be the hardest challenge of my life, but I am excited to try to give children a new hope for the future and to watch God redeem broken stories. I really cannot wait to see what 36 holds.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2